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  • Writer's pictureAJ Jackson

#132 - Grapple at the Grove - (Chapter 3) - Show Notes

Well, hey there, fellow Nerds and Ne'er-do-Wells, and welcome back to that part of the show we like to call... Off The Wagon. And due to some sort of clerical fuck up on my behalf, I managed to interview mister Matt Durrant a bunch of times. But now that I've got my calendar in order, I finally managed to pin down your favourite grieving green giant, mister Chris Wragg.

How are you doing, buddy?

I am wonderful. Thank you. I have a new temporary monitor that's like a 42-inch OLED, and I'm overwhelmed by it. I got it for like bedroom TV and I've not got up to hanging it around so I was like well to be safe I better use it as a monitor.

Noice. We haven't really talked about the loss of Hunnarsh yet and this could be a world-class exclusive. Was that like a grief gift to yourself?

Yeah definitely. I mean I've splashed out this month, so they got the new monitor. I got it on Facebook marketplace, which almost died for. But luckily, Tatty came, he was my support to help me not die. And I got some, like, new shiny headphones as well. So it's been a big month. Yeah. Getting over the death of Hunnarsh.

Kicking off with the questions. I thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know the real Chris Wragg a little bit better. So in no particular order here are some quick-fire questions...

 Mr Chris Wragg, what is your earliest memory?

Probably moving schools in year 2, and meeting a friend who I actually saw just last Friday. So yeah. Earliest memory.

Woah. That's amazing. You keep in touch with friends. That's scary. Not very good at that myself.

Alright. Mister Chris Wragg, what was your gateway into geekdom? What was your first foray into the world of nerdcore and geekdom?

 It's tricky because I could you could just say, Dragon Ball Z maybe? Oh, I remember especially, like, when I was in primary school, like, being Goku and, like, you know, trying to move at the speed of light and, like, kick people out. That seems kind of quite nerdy.

Alright. I'll go with that. There we go. You've just broken the hearts of millions of fans the world around. Dragon Ball Z, there we go. 

Okay. Mister Chris Wragg, what is your guilty pleasure? Not Hunnarsh's, but Mister Chris Wragg's?

Guilty pleasure. Like, really good coffee. I don't know if that's a good pleasure, but, I indulge myself, like, a lot. So 3 times a day, I'll spend 10 minutes making a cup of coffee. So I'll hand grind the coffee. Okay. I'll pour over water, and brew it.  it's like a long process. So I feel that that's what makes it almost like a guilty pleasure, the amount of time it takes from me.

When you first said that, I was like, that doesn't feel very guilty, but as that explanation went on, I was like, oh, I'm feeling the guilt now. You're like one of those guys who gets out a barometer and checks the fucking air pressure and the moisture in the air to get the blend just right?

So I've got a kettle that I can change the temperature of like from 0 to 100 by 1 degree increments. I've got 4 different coffee brewers. I then got a mug that I can change the temperature within half a degree between 40 and 80 degrees, and it keeps it warm. It's got a little USB-like charging puck. Oh, man. I've got it all.

Shut the front door. How the other half lives, listeners. Bloody hell. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that your kettle is made by Sage.

Now it's fancier than that. It's a company called Stag.

Other kettles are available, listeners. We are not sponsored by either Sage or Stag. But, you know, if you are a kettle company and you need some coverage, reach out.

Mister Chris Wragg, what is your geek too far? Where'd you draw the line and geek them?

I don't think I have yet. I don't think something's happened. I'm like, no. That's too much for me. I'm all in because I feel like at first glance, a lot of things you're like, no. That's that's too weird. And then you get into, like, the mechanics of it or, like, the detail and then this is actually, like, crazy interesting. So yeah. No. I am yet to find the limit.

Fair enough. I'm gonna challenge you now. Would you would you go LARPing?

What's LARPing?

Live-action role-playing. So, you know, you do you'd lather yourself in green paint and go run around the field with a fake axe pretending to kill people.

So I think I would. So that actually sounds really fun. What I don't think sounds fun is I imagine you get 5 minutes of that and 4 hours of like prep time. I'm not sure if the preparation is worth it. But, yeah, I think the movie Role Models probably makes that far cooler in my head than it may be actually. Yeah. I used to work with someone that did it and it sounded like a good time.

Strong. What I'm hearing here is we need a makeup artist budget because you're up for it. You just don't wanna do the legwork. Alright. I'm here for that. I'm here for that.

And finally, Mister Chris Wragg, what is your message to the listeners?

Can't believe you're still here. it's incredible. I can't believe people listen to us and seemingly enjoy it and come back unless we get, like, 200 brand new listeners every week and no repeating listeners. But, yeah, I'm just thank you so much. I can't believe, like, we started this just having a great time as a couple of friends, and it's largely stayed that way. So it's nice that people enjoy what we like.

I'll let you into a little secret Mister Chris Wragg because I often don't talk about these things. Our listenership has nearly doubled in the last 6 months, something like that. We've probably got twice as many regular listeners as we did. I'm sure they appreciate that and yes, very much the same as someone who lives and dies by this podcast and invests a lot of my time and energy into it. It is a total blessing and sometimes a surprise when I look at the demographics every week. And, I see how many of you come back, which is absolutely phenomenal. Do you know, Mister Chris Wragg, we had a following in Westminster in London for a while, like the powerhouse of politics of our country.

That's interesting. That scares me. Maybe we can steer ourselves away from the chaos that's happening. Maybe we need to put some simple little messages like Uh-huh. Don't spread hate. But also a Sneak attack referendum.

Well, there you go, listeners. That has been off the wagon with Mister Chris Wragg.

Thank you. 

On with the show.


There's a podcast special in Sheffield coming up.

You shut the fuck up, Why aren't we on it? Well, motherfuck me. I know. 

Alice Levine and them porno people are coming. And other people from notable podcasts.

Right. We're picketing the event. We're literally gonna be outside just handing out fucking flyers. I don't even care if we're relevant to the listenership.

1st, we'd have to print some flyers.

No. No. No. That's okay.

Avril Latrine and the porno people are in. 

Avril latrine hahaha. 

Is that what I said? Sorry.

Well, look. I can welcome you all to the podcast. I'm gonna say welcome to Matt Durrant to the podcast. You are looking sauna fresh.

I was commenting on how smooth Matt's face is. Are we sponsored by a razor company? 

Oh, yeah I need that. Well, what company should I go to?

Rusty's Razors. Wait. Can't we get sponsored? Yo. Which one are we sponsored by, Matt?

Harry's? That's one, isn't it?

They do the sponsors. 

Oh, yeah.

But they're like a shipping kind of thing. Give me my razors. I don't want to leave the house. They're the ones with the subscriptions, like, we'll send you one a week. Every day, we'll send you a razor.

Yeah. I like my razors to be thrown lopsidedly through my bedroom window while I'm trying to sleep.

I mean, the only time I want someone to post fucking razor blades to my letterbox is if they're threatening me for some payment that I haven't made.

Fucking noted. I'm wondering what Matt Durant is doing here?

Just trying to see if we can get sponsored by Barbasol. They already sponsored Major League Fishing

By who now?

And seems like they have a gap in their sponsorship.

Major League Fishing sounds like some sort of TV program about really creepy men trying to pick up people illegally on the Internet.

That's Major League catfishing.

That's major league fishing is when you send emails to people and try and get them to log in.

No cats involved.

Good. Good. Good. Good.

And how are you, Mister Neal? I can see you guzzling on a glass of red wine. What have you got there?

I've got a glass of Cabinet Sauvignon It is average.

And did you have that after you ate your jalapenos?

Average. Yeah. My jalapenos and my burritos and tacos.

Excellent. Thank you to all the listeners from certain parts of the world.


Good. Good. Right. Now that we've character assassinated everyone, how are you doing, Mister Wragg? You okay?

Yeah. Hi. Wonderful. Thank you.

Have you still got the ridiculously big monitor?

Oh, mate. I never wanna leave it. I don't wanna put it up. I just wanna put it on my desk forever.

We went and picked up a 42-inch TV from Bradford the other night for Chris Wragg.

Wow. Why are you buying TVs from the cultural capital of the North?

It's just where I get all my electronics from. Always Bradford.

Look. Once you find a guy you can rely on. You just go back to the same person.

So I had a very specific TV I wanted, and I didn't wanna buy it new. So I was on the web. 

So you went to Amazon Crime? 

Yeah. It did feel that way. oh my god. It was it was pretty terrifying. Like, we went to this building, and, like, these guys went in. It was kind of a gross-looking building. And then they opened the door to the basement. Next to the door was, like, a couple of shovels, and I just looked at Chris and, like, wow. I guess this is just where we die. And I was surprisingly chill about it. 

I was just like, well, probably not gonna do much else to be fair. I might as well might as well call it now. You'd already got your Freddo danger money. So Yeah. I'd already had a Freddo that evening and that felt like a treat. So I was like, if I can die with the taste of Freddo in my mouth, I'm good.

By the way, listeners, Freddo in the United Kingdom is a small chocolate frog and not just Chris's pimp. That was the warm taste of chocolate in his mouth and not semen, Just for those who were wondering who Freddo was. 

That joke worked better when you didn't explain it. I was gonna let that one sit and then maybe go back to it later. Perfect.

Freddo has a tiny chocolate penis. That's all I'll say. 15p a go. 15p a pump.

As the teacher of this podcast, Mister Durantt, do frogs have penises? 

Sorry. What do what have penises?

Do frogs have penises? You're the wisest man on air. 

Oh, well, I guess they'd have a cloaca, wouldn't they? This is the one-time that cloacas are relevant to the podcast. I believe frogs as reptiles The one time. 

Cue the frantic sound of Mister Durantt Googling.

Frog reproduction. Frog reproductive system, A review of the reproductive system by Professor Mendez de Peppa cited in a review. 

4 out of 5 stars. Wouldn't fuck again. 

Oh, frogs are both monogamous and polyandrous. 

Is anyone else worried that Mister Chris Wraggs vanished?

Yeah. I think he's probably going to find a frog. 

Yes. They have a cloaca. Thank you to Professor Mendez de Peppa from the University Centro de Investigacion in the Genetica.

Sure. Yep. That's a that's as good as a sponsor.

 My camera just went off for a second, so I missed that. 

So I just Googled Frog Genitalia, and the first thing is, there is no penis!

It's the first sentence. 

What the fuck was that? What Reddit subthread was that? I'm trying to tell you to there is no penis. That that's on the wiki, yo.

Wiki. Wiki. Wiki. 

Dear god. 

Just random animals. They're just like, this animal, is there a penis? No. 

Okay. There's never been a better time for a recap. I'm drawing a line under this fucking biological debacle and I'm saying we're gonna have a recap.

Last we left off with our intrepid adventurers, they had found the party somewhat split. Now if you're up to date with the podcast, you will know that bad things happened. We misplaced Hunnarsh, unfortunately, after a series of poor life choices and much grieving was done. And this was in the form of Tatty and Barbara walking off in the wilderness to find some solitude and a place for some thinking. And whilst they were doing that, Mister Durantt did his best impression with Belciar of trying to be the parent, the leader of the crunk fuckers, and dealing with a lot of pent-up guilt.

He also decided to have a final funeral for Hunnarsh, which involved, sticking dynamite in him and blowing him up. What he didn't count on was the fact that Hunnarsh had about 6,000 gold coins on him and accidentally killed a few extra villagers along the way, which some would say is unfortunate and some would say is karma. 

Whilst that was going on, Tatty Bojangles was in the wilderness, or at least several miles away from the adventuring party, and was taking in a spot of reflection by a pond in the forest. Just coming to terms with some of the things that had happened and just getting back in touch with Barbara and you know, checking in. And the cliffhanger that I know you were all ready for was the noise that he heard by the pondside as Mister Bojangles walked to see what all the giggles were about.

He looked down into the ripples of the water, and he saw, looking back at him, the face of Jerry, Hunnarsh's onetime patron of chaos and evil. And that is where we will pick up with this week's episode. Now I'm thinking we're gonna pick back up with Tatty because that's where we left the cliffhanger if that's okay.

That's rock and roll, baby. Oh yeah.

What I also didn't say was obviously Mister Wragg needed to place himself somewhere so he placed himself in the mind of a wolf. We got the surprise of Mister Wragg playing the voice of Barbara, Tatty's pet wolf. So that's a little treat for all of you.

We picked back up on the pond side in the middle of the woods in the late afternoon, sunlight dappling on the rippling water. You can see a frog leaping off a lily pad. Seems relevant. You can just hear the beautiful forest noise as you look down, Tatty, into the ripples in the water, and you see the slightly distorted face of Jerry, Hunnarsh's one-time patron and sponsor of evil. As you just hear... Yes. Yes. 

Quick point of order. Have I ever seen Jerry before? I know I've spoken to him. Did I actually see him when I did Hunnarsh's performance review?

I just wanna make sure. 

Yes. He was in your dreams. I believe you were asleep on a ship and he entered your dreams as part of a performance review for Hunnarsh so you would have seen his face. Now for the listeners who are not caught up or have never heard of Jerry or if you're just joining us for the first time for Shits and Giggles. Jerry is a demon who works for Evil Incorporated, who are the corporate face of evil orchestrating all the chaos in the world.

And Jerry is a bright red demon and wears a pinstripe suit. 

Now, Tatty, the one thing you'll notice about Jerry is that you see he's in a very swanky corner office with a great view behind him of some pretty hideous mountains. And you can see he's wearing a very fancy-looking suit. 

I can see he's in his office with a nice horrible view of probably hell. Mhmm. And he's wearing a nice suit. Mhmm. Okay. If I've seen Jerry before in a dream, I probably understand that he's not here in this physical space. 

Oh, 100%.

Yes. So I probably just say, like, looking at the corner office and his very fancy suit, I'll just be like, well, looks like things worked out for you.

He stares at you. Yes. Yes. I've had an upturn. Business is good in Evil Incorporated. 1 of my horses came in. As you can see, He spins around and just shows you there's a ficus in the corner, which is looking particularly thirsty. No one waters the plants in hell.

I just kinda gesture to the stuff behind him. I just say, is this all from the the chaos that Hunnarsh caused? Or I mean, I understand you bet on a lot of horses, but is this all from Hunnarsh? 

Well, I only groom one pony at a time, actually. But if I must be honest, I wanted to reach out to you because an opening has arisen. And I saw your fingerprints on the work of Hunnarsh.

Talk to me. What have you got? 

Well, for a mover and a shaker like yourself, there might be certain opportunities to further the causes of chaos. And I thought maybe a man like you with a skill set and a particularly fluid set of morals might be interested in some of the boons that are available to those who ply their craft for us.

Anyway, can we have this conversation, face-to-face? Can you hop into the material realm? And, you know, I've got this lovely spot by this lake that you're currently your face is currently appearing in. Although your office does look quite nice. 

Oh, hold on. As he tries to put you on hold, you hear a muffled conversation as you see a demonic secretary walk into the side he turns from the pond and says, here, Daphne! I will have a flat white with 2 shots of vanilla. 

Aye aye aye. Even have coffee machines at hell. 

In very hushed tones. He's not realizing he's unmuted himself. He looks back. He was like, shit. Sorry. I meant to mute that. You see him scrabbling with a console in front of him. No. No. No. 

Don't don't worry. We have coffee machines in the material plane as well. I'm gonna say can we have this conversation face to face? You can come here or you can send me there just for a quick visit.

Well, I mean, you're welcome to come here, I suppose. Have you been to hell before? 

I can't say that I have. I mean, I assume you have a way for me to travel there and back that's a little bit easier than me dying. 

He clicks his fingers, and with a sudden rush, almost like you wanna throw up your lunch, you fall out of the air landing in a plush chair.

Woah. Oh. Oh. 

It's very expensive leather. It's the kind of seat that makes that audible farting noise as you land in it. The leather's so expensive. As you stare across the expensive Mahogany desk. It can't be Mahogany. Mahogany doesn't exist in this universe. Cedar of Lebanon.

You look across the Cedar of Lebanon desk. 

Coffee machines are fine, but mahogany, no. No. No. No.

No. No. I didn't fucking say coffee machines existed. You did. 

It's Space Lebanon.

Yeah. Space Lebanon. Yeah. I apologize, Lebanon, and I don't wanna alienate all our listeners. Right.

Yeah. As you look across the desk it's a really expensive-looking desk. You can tell it's expensive because it's got those 2 pens sticking out at an angle that looks like they're going to blind Jerry if he falls asleep. As you hear an awkward shuffle from the side and you see a diminutive-looking demonete secretary in a power suit say, I'm sorry. They don't have flat whites.

As Jerry is like, goddamn it, Daphne. Well, then get me an Americano. And maybe one of those bran muffins. I'm feeling constipated today. He looks at you. Can I get you anything? 

Yeah. Just I don't know. I'm gonna turn to him and say coffee would be good, and then I'll kind of like direct my attention to Daphne and just say, please, if that's alright.

She looks at you. She's like pour-over, filter, latte, can't offer you a flat wire. 

Pour-over would be good. 

Pour-over. Alright. And she just shuffles off. Jerry looks at you. Like I said, there are opportunities, and openings for those who wish to embrace the anger, the rage, the violence. The higher I go, the higher you go. 

I'm in Jerry's office? I can see the landscape of hell behind him or out of the window essentially.

Yeah. It's pretty desolate and very hot and arid-looking. You look over on the wall and you see a framed, sports jersey from Sodom FC, signed by all of the players. 

Alright. So it's just me and Jerry in this room. Right? Like, Daphne left the room to go get coffee. 

Yes. You've unfortunately left Barbara behind.

I've left Barbara behind. Yeah. I get that. How far are we like he sat at his desk and I'm sat at another chair that's like 5, 10 feet away, something like that? 

Yeah. About that. 10 feet away. 

Yeah. I'm gonna say, look. I like violence as much as the next guy. Probably as much as Hunnrash did. Maybe didn't like it as much as he did, but I think I understood in our last hours together that we both had a talent for it. I wouldn't say I enjoy it as much as he does, but I am gonna enjoy this. And I'm gonna take out my bow, and I'm gonna shoot it.

Interesting. Okay. Okay. I will consider that to be the first action initiating combat. So I need you to make me a bow attack, please.

Would you consider Jerry surprised? This is what I'm saying. I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna roll against this, and I'm gonna see. It's pulling up Jerry's stats. 

Come on. Don't fail me now. 

Okay. You make your roll, and I'm gonna make my roll to see just how surprised he is.

Alright? So am I rolling?

You're rolling a normal bow attack. Yeah? As if you were surprising him. If I was surprising him, then I get advantage anyway. So do you want me to roll with advantage?

Yeah. You roll with advantage. Yeah. I'm perfectly happy with that. 

That is a 20 to hit. 

Now then, he just rolled a 21 on dexterity independently of that. 

As you are fast, he is preternatural. As you pull your bow out, knock and lose an arrow, he throws his hand up. And by the time the arrow reaches him, it's incinerated into ashes that just scatter across his desk. He's like, I'll have to get Daphne to clean that up. He just dusts ashes off a very officious-looking contract on his desk as he picks it up and just blows arrow ash off it. Listen. I tire of your play antics. I have a counteroffer for you.

Go on.

He pulls out something from underneath the desk, and he puts a long branch of wood, maybe 3 and a half, 4 feet long, down on the desk. Come and join me, and I have gifts for you. This is the bow of blood. And he picks up the piece of wood, which looks much like just any normal branch.

And as he pulls it back, you see it warps into a bow. And where the bowstring and the arrow should be, you see blood flows out of his hand and turns into the string and arrow. And he says, gifts like this could be yours. This bow takes your blood and your sacrifice and turns it into rage and anger as he lets loose. You just see the ficus explode. It was thirsty.

Now it's dead. As he's like, the more you sacrifice, the more powerful the damage. He puts it back down, and you just see the blood vanish from the string and the arrow as he puts the piece of wood, which just looks like a normal branch of any given tree back on the table. I have gifts beyond your wildest dreams, but only if you join us. It sounds like you have some kind of agreement in mind.

If this is the carrot, then what's the stick? What do you want, Jerry? 

I feel like the seeds are already sown in you. What more could I do to you than what you already do to yourself? The guilt you feel for your friend's death, biting, gnawing away at you, niggling in the back of your mind.

Yeah. It's not an unfamiliar feeling. I've had to kill people before Like I said, I don't particularly enjoy it So what's the deal? 

I have other candidates. You are not the sole interviewee.

If you do not take this, others will. 

I might be interested. I guess you've probably seen my body count. 

He's got a Manila dossier with one of those really cool bits of string that twirls around to open it he untwirls the string CIA style and just opens up your file as he takes a clawed finger and leaves through it. Yes.

Your talents have come to our attention. Mhmm. 173 confirmed kills. That's not including animals.

Oh, no. Including that cow. I'll never forget about that cow. 

He points to a wall and you see the wall opens up and animates like a screen as you get a replay of you just frantically milking a cow's udders with your stumpy fingers. 

Not that cow. That cow didn't die when I milked it. I mean, the one that, like, when I threw the exploding dagger at Skaal and there was that cow in the way, and I was just like, fuck it. It's only a cow

Ah, I see. As he uses his finger to scrub through the episode, on the screen, you see it all. He's like, I apologize. So many animals. He accidentally goes to the bit where you crawled past a fatberg in a sewer as he's like, ah, yes. We've been watching you keenly, Bojangles.

Can I see while he's doing this? I know that the branch bow thing is on the desk. What else can I see in this office? 

Like I said, you know, everything that a mid-level corporate wanktard would have in their office, like a signed football jersey, a half-dead plant, which is now fully dead. You see a cabinet full of really cheap looking trophies. Looks like some sort of office Taekwondo tournament trophy. He's got a nice sofa to one side that you get the feeling he's slept in a few times and just a lot of assorted stationery. 

You hear a small cough as Daphne comes back in and just places a pour-over in front of you, and she pushes a bran muffin and an Americano in front of Jerry and just shuffles out. 

Thanks, Stephanie. 

She doesn't say anything.

Okay. She'd only have a West Country accent if I did it. Yeah. Figures. I can tell you what Tatty wants at this moment, and it's not to make a deal with Jerry. I can tell you what Ty wants to do, and that's to kill Jerry. He doesn't have any illusions about how he was how he was responsible for Hunnarshs death and all those other people dying. But he did reach out to Jerry to try and get him to stop Hunnarsh from killing people. So he does hold him in some way responsible for not being able to stop some of the carnage.

Can I look down at my ring of 3 wishes? 

Yeah. Well, I mean, don't have to ask me. Yeah. You look down at your ring of 3 wishes, and you see the light in it. It's a red ruby, I believe. It's slightly dimmer than it was when you had 3 wishes as you only have 2 wishes. 

It doesn't say I have to speak the spell. It just said that just says that I cast the wish spell.

Oh. Interesting.

I will allow some looking at rules or whatever if you like. 

It says by simply speaking aloud. The very first line is... by speaking aloud. 

Okay. I'm casting the wish spell, I'm gonna speak aloud... Send me and Jerry back to the material plane where he picked me up from and trap him there.

God, you do love a DM curveball, don't you? Yes. How are we gonna play this? You say that out loud. You see Jerry's eyes go wide. He's halfway through pushing a bran muffin into his face. You almost think that his red scaly features go a little bit pale for a second. Once again, you feel the rush of energy as you that horrible, almost nauseous suck as you're pulled through a dimensional portal and dumped back into reality. You splat down on the grass in a very similar position to where you were.

As you see opposite you falling out of the air, Jerry splashes down into the pond. You hear a kerfuffle, a splash and a choking noise. You hear him screaming and flapping. I can't swim. I can't swim. 

I've never really considered how tall Jerry is, especially compared to Tatty because I've never had to. But, like, I do imagine him as just a little like a little goblin type size thing. Is he, like, normal is he, like, 5 or 6 foot tall? 

He's about the same size as a travelling salesman or a PE teacher. Do you know, like, people who've got small man syndrome?

Let's not drag travelling salesman into that category. It's definitely just PE teachers. 

Alright. Alright. Alright. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, Napoleon syndrome. He's probably 5-foot and change, but not by much. He's, like, you know, 5 foot 2, 5 foot 3.

Is he just, like, flailing around in the pond then? 

Well, he's very rapidly realizing it's not as deep as he thought. He did have a particularly fancy set of brogues on which have now like hit the deck and he comes splashing out of the water. You see he's holding the branch they had off his desk. He glares at you as water cascades off his body. You see, he's like looking down at his suit. Now his suit, listeners, was not off the rack. That was some couture shit. And you now see that it's, like, covered in pond water and grime. He stares at you, looks at Barbara, looks at you. 

I'm walking over to him if he's in the if he's in the pond. And I'm gonna cast Zephyr Strike on him. Oh no, wait I don't need to do that I am gonna attack him with my hidden blade. I'm definitely gonna try and stab him especially if he's still writhing around let me see That is a 22 to hit. 

22 to hit. Okay.

I don't think I've used this weapon before, and I need to check something. Oh, this does an extra D6 of sneak attack damage. Shout out to this weapon. Just a great piece of homebrew. Okay. So that's 22 points of damage.

22 points of damage. Okay. As you see the hidden blade fly out of your sleeve and just tear a chunk out of the fabric on Jerry's shoulder, he doesn't really seem to wince in much pain. But the pain he does exude is more for the torn fabric on his couture suit as he looks fully fucked off. At this point, he just flicks the blade away out of himself as it splashes across and into the pond, sinking under the surface. Have you got anything else you wish to do? 

Let me see. Can I do anything? Fuck it. I am gonna Hunters Mark him.

I should've done that before my attack, but I didn't. And that will cost me dearly. But I am gonna Hunters Mark him. And I'm gonna say, you're gonna die, motherfucker. You're gonna die. You're gonna die here in the shit-covered material plane where everything is bad and you don't have your nice office. And even Daphne is not gonna care. 

Daphne is my wife.

She's your what?! Daphne is what now?

She's my wife. He's thinking of slapping you across the face, Will Smith style. You take Daphne's name out of your mouth. Keep my assistant's name out of your mouth. Right. Is there anything else you're doing?

What's Barbara doing? I don't have a bonus action to get her to do anything, so I can't really do anything with her this turn. 

Mister Chris Wragg, welcome to this episode. Roll a D20 and Mister Neal, what does he add for perception? 

Let me find out for you. Rules. Come on. Oh, you can add my proficiency bonus to any ability check. Okay. So plus 5 to perception.

I roll a 15. A 20.

So Barbara's noticed what's going on. She's got her face low to the ground and she's growling at Jerry as his suit drips water.

Yeah. I don't have a bonus action to direct her to do anything this turn, but I might ask her to get in the mix.

You see Jerry on his turn is going to reach out a hand towards you and he is going to cast Command on you and he is going to say the word FLEE. 

Is that a wisdom save and throw? 

Yeah. DC 18. 

That's a nat one. 

He reaches out a hand and just utters the word FLEE as just a real horrible nauseousness washes over you almost like a greasiness in your consciousness. Where you were so angry and where you were so sure and so confident it crumbles like a cheap biscuit in a warm mug of tea. And all you feel is your weakness and your inadequacies as your legs almost turn on you and you start legging it off into the shrubs.

I spend my turn running away, which is my movement, action, and bonus action because I've got rogue shit that lets me dash as a bonus action and I'm a nice honest person. That means I run 75 feet away from him. That's my whole next turn.

You run off hot-tailing it into the shrub. You don't even look back. You're so sure of your purpose to flee. Almost frustrated that your muscles are betraying your mind as you flee. What happens on Gerry's turn is he looks down at the growling form of Barbara. He just says, so long. I presume your master does not wish to take us up on our offer as he casts Planeshift on himself. 

Did the wish spell not trap him on this plane?

Oh, did you say trap him on this plane?

I believe that was the wording.

Shit. He goes down to a dot and then just reappears 6 feet above himself and just falls back onto the deck. Fucking celestial magic.

Fucking rings. Picks himself back up out of the pond and dusts himself off. 

Okay, from 75 feet away, because I believe Command only lasts for a turn, I'm gonna start moving back towards him and I'm gonna just try and put an arrow in him. Okay. Is there anything else I can do with this? Can I use my ice arrow when I attack? So this does 1 d6 extra damage anyway, but I'll see if I hit him anyway. So that is a 22 to hit.


That is 32 damage. 6 of that is cold damage, and he needs to make a constitution save and throw. DC 13. Those are some wild rolls.

Woah. Meets it beats it, baby. 13. Bang on. 

Ay ay ay. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. He can have that. And don't think I can do anything else. I don't have a bonus action left, so I can't do anything else. Yeah. I'm just walking towards him as I plink an arrow at him. 

As you see the arrow embedded into his jacket, another rip opens up.

You see it wound him, not as much as you might think it would, but, yes, it's wounded him as he just flicks the arrow away from himself, angry at another tear in his suit. It is now his turn. You see him reach into the water, pick up the bow of wood that was the blood bow, and you see him pull it back as you see blood seeping out of the wounds you've inflicted on him coming out of the holes in his jacket. You see it seeping out of his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and palm of his hand as it forms into the string of the bow as the branch, the wood just twists into the curve of a bow, and you see an arrow aimed at you. So you have made your choice. 

As he loses the arrow, I'll shout, yep. 

Fuck, son. That's a Nat 20. Oh, dear. 

Makes sense. Makes sense. Can you imagine if we lost another member of the group? 

Oh, dear. On many levels, listeners, fuckity fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. But dem rules be dem rules.

Oh, shit.

Rules are rules, baby. Roll that damage. 

Okay. Let me roll some damage, and then double the dice component.

Oh, fuck me in the ass. That's not good. 

No. But you did start this, to be fair. 

Yeah. I started this twice, but now we're not at his house anymore. It's Jerry's world, baby. We just live in it. 

Oh, dear. That's not good at all. All told that is 38 points of damage.

Cool. I will use my reaction to uncanny dodge that and cut it in half. So that's 19, I think.

Okay. As the arrow slams into you, you're thrown backwards just dancing off the floor. You just bounce along the grass As you look at where the hard arrow should be, you just see the hole in your chest. Blood gouting out of it. You feel one of your lungs is slightly harder to breathe than before.

Okay. That sucked. Thank God for uncanny dodge. And thank God for that short rest. Okay.

Actually, I need to make a concentration check on my hunter's mark. So I took 19 damage, so I need to make a DC 10 constitution saving throw. Oh, thank god. I got a 10 exactly.

So you hold up your hunter's mark. Holding concentration. Despite the spectral arrow that smashed you about 5 feet backwards, you managed to keep your concentration.

Okay. How far away from him am I now that I've been knocked back a little bit?

Let's say 80 feet.

Okay. I think I'm gonna go for 1 more. At least. I'm gonna pick myself up off the floor. I'm gonna fire at him again this time. This time it's personal. All my cool shit is fire, and I don't like that. Not when he's a demon. I'll use the poison arrow this time, and I'll try and put 1 in him. Okay. Come on. Give me a nat 20. Come on. It's not a nat 20, but it is a 25. 

Yeah. Definitely beats his armour class.

24 damage, and he needs to make a DC 12 Dexterity saving throw. 

DC 12 dexterity saving throw. Easily. Yep. Smashes that. He got 16.

He will take 2 poison damage.

So again, you see him hit by the arrow as he doubles over, holding himself. He's now really pissed off. You've shot through his tie, and it was a nice tie. It had a herringbone design on it. He pulls the arrow out of it and just sighs. It's now got poison on it, which isn't gonna come out easy. He tries to smear the poison off and he's just rubbing it all over his tie.

I'm tired of these games. As you see, he's looking slightly dishevelled and very pissed off. You see him stare at you for a while. Just giving you panoramic shit eye. He holds your gaze in that really piercing, knowing, angry way. He's not happy at all. And he knows he's trapped as he slowly reaches up a finger, clicks his finger, and casts invisibility on himself. As you see him out of this dimension. No. No. I lie. He hasn't vanished out of this dimension. He's just invisible. He's still in this plane of existence. You just can't see him. That doesn't mean you can't track him that just means you currently can't see him at 80 feet away. And that is where we are going to pause this part of the fight. This fight isn't over listeners, this fight is far from over and I will be the first person to say I did not see this fight coming. I never really envisaged Jerry getting into combat as much as I knew who he was and what he could do. That was a curveball, listeners. 

Welcome to the fight.

You are so fucking lucky the way he rolled on that blood bow arrow when he got a natural 20. There's a universe where if you didn't have uncanny dodge, you were dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Oh. Dead.

Oh. Easily. That's why they call it uncanny dodge. That's why they call me Tatty uncanny dodge Bojangles.

That is wild I genuinely cannot believe what we are listening to here that is actually so fucking cool. It's actually given me the shakes a little bit there. And I was like, fuck. There are some NPCs that you just don't fight. Yeah. You got him on the lam. You got him on the run. You got him a little bit scared. That's not to say next time we pick up with you, Tatty, that you're not just gonna use your tracking skills and hunt him down, but you got a job on your hands. 

I've got a ripcord I can pull, potentially. Hopefully.

I genuinely can't believe you uttered the words to trap him on this plain as well. I can't believe I tried to use plane shift as well. That reminded me a bit of that scene in Ragnarok. Where Loki just falls out of the sky, and he's like, I have been falling for 20 minutes.

It would be funny if Jerry kept if he kept trying to use plane shift and he just kept doing that, just kept falling from 6 feet. A portal opens underneath him as he falls, and one opens above as he splats back into the pond he's like fuuuuuck!

Right well there you go, listeners. That's where we're gonna pause this week's episode. We will pick back up with the adventures of Tatty and Jerry very soon. But in the meantime, we wish you a good week.

It is a goodbye from Mr Chris Neal. 

Yes. Yes. 

It's a goodbye from Mr Chris Ragg, who voiced at least 3 woofs in that episode. 

Woof woof. Bye. Bow wow, baby. Bow wow.

The energy. You can't teach that. He went to Juilliard to learn that shit. 

Fresh from the sauna. It is a goodbye from mister Matt Durantt, who, you know, at the moment, hasn't got a great deal to do.

Thank you for having me. 

Wow. There we go, listeners. We'll be back next week for more funpacked fantasy fucknuggetry. See you soon.

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